Do Not Go to Jared

Mother’s Day is this Sunday – shocking, yes, I know and no I haven’t got my mom anything. But this holiday means that we are inundated once again with the same ads that appear before Christmas and Valentines Day. “He went to Jared,” someone will say admiringly of a man who has pleased his beloved with glittery, pricey jewelry. Or a lovely woman will get a box of jewelry while 1970s stale saccharine singers bleat, “Every kiss begins with “K.”

Well, they can spell but everything else is wrong.

Of course, all women are different and every family is different but I would note – and husbands, I’m talking to you because kids need steering – that the only woman who needs a diamond is a woman whose perfect children effortlessly ready themselves for school as she prepares for a day of exercise, getting manicures and pedicures, sipping lattes, cooking gourmet meals and reading stimulating books before perfect children emerge smiling from school, ready to practice their instruments, happily empty the dishwasher and fly through
homework. Okay, get her a diamond.

But your wife probably flogs the kids out of bed, and makes sandwiches while also poking oatmeal down their throats (Kid: “Mom, I’m out of underwear!” Me: “Did you check under the bed?”) and getting herself ready for work. (“Damn! Toothpaste down my front of my shirt AGAIN!”) She then rushes to work, trying not to be late or mommy-tracked. She then hits home – ready for dinner, instruments, homework, dishes, teethbrushing (Kid: “I brushed!” Universal Parent: “Your toothbrush is dry.”) and, the sweetest part of the day,
story-reading.

Then you and she have mad passionate sex. (You don’t?)

Weekends are a mad rush of groceries, laundry, yardwork, soccer games, playdates that require driving, scouting, and music lessons. The madness is heightened the weekend before anything big – like the science project – is due.

Then there are the truly super-parents. The ones who do everything I mentioned PLUS run the PTA (and these people are overwhelmingly women), oversee a club at the kids’ school or volunteer to teach Scouts or coach sports.

If I’m describing your wife, she doesn’t want a diamond. She wants a clean car, inside and out. Best of all would be if the kids themselves cleared the orange peels, three seasons worth of clothing, food trash and unwanted gift bag items out of the back seat. Get the kids to scrub and vacuum. Air in the tires would be a nice plus.

Or maybe she’d like a day off. She could exercise, go crazy buying bedding plants at the farmers market and sit down with a cup of coffee instead of slurping out of a travel mug. Or maybe she’ll see a movie you don’t care to – like “Jane Eyre.” With you.

Imagine your happy wife beaming at you, as the other men say knowingly and admiringly “He went to ‘Jane Eyre’!”

Note: I hereby open this column up for a guest writer who would like to give gift advice for men for Fathers Day. Who’s up for it? (I need ideas.)